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| Friedrich Neitzsche once said "I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
I have to wonder if people realize what their secrets cause... When you don't tell truth. When you're not willing to fess up to what you're really thinking, how you really feel, what you really did... Then you know you shouldn't have done it, right? Is that what that means? I have a theory... If you have to keep something a secret, if you do something you're ashamed of and can't tell others about, then you shouldn't be doing it. If I wouldn't go home and tell me my dad the whole story without any holes or gaps, then I shouldn't be doing it. Adolph Hitler used to say "Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it."
So maybe it's hard to fess up to a secret, but it's so hard to be the person realizing you believed the lie. The lie that you needed to do a certain thing to be loved, to be accepted... And when you look back with a more mature view, you want to hit yourself for giving into the lie that he told. Eric Hoffer said "We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves." And when you believe the lie, you don't want to admit that you were wrong, so you begin telling yourself the lie in order to make up for it. And pretty soon you're buried. Under everything, for all the lies you've built up for what you lack, for what you've done wrong, for what you regret and want to change... But Superchick says, "The greatest lie that you've ever been told is that you're the only one who's walked down this road and that you'll never see that light of dawn, so we've come together to say: Hold on... One day this will pass... God will see us all pass through."
I put my necklace back on the other day. And that means nothing to any of you, but what it means to me is that I know I gave into a lie, and know now that the lie I gave into is only a trap, and that this necklace that I once saw as such a hindrance, is the freedom and comfort I've been wanting for so long. Joy Williams says, "So come out, come out, come out wherever you are, to anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars... to anyone who's ever made a big mistake... We've all been there, so don't be ashamed. Come out, come out and join the rest of us... You've been alone for way too long... You don't have to hide anymore."
..::You are my beautiful Redemption::.. | | |
| Sometimes change sucks. This semester my classes are a LOT harder than the ones i had last semester... Sometimes change is more amazing than you could have ever known. Sunday January seventh, under different circumstances, would have been one of the most important days of the year for me... instead I dove into it head on at midnight while hanging out with some of my most favorite people ever. Then I woke up the next morning and went to church and worshipped my Lord and Savior, then spent time with my family, took a nap, went to Dancing with the Stars with my friends, then introduced Bitsy Pearl [Tyler's adorable toy Yorkie] to my family. Nothing really special at all, just another day, good times all around... and I'm so glad. It was a great, but normal day and that's that. And I'm so happy... I wouldn't have it any other way. So since I seem to describe how I'm feeling with lyrics better anyway, here's some Superchick... You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head [which means not at all]... You have too much to give, to live, to waste your time on him...
Someday you'll change, one day you'll be stronger, and you'll have changed enough to know it's time to get out The saddest thing is you could be anything that you could want, we could have been everything, but now we're not now we're not anything at all... The hardest part was being this close to you and giving up this dream I've built with you--a fairy tale that isn't coming true... you have some growing up to do.
You broke my heart, I'm taking it back from you, and I'm taking back the life I gave to you. Life goes on before and after you... I've got some growing up to do.
we all fall sometimes. we all let ourselves down. sometimes there's nothing left but to live with what's been done and know you're not the only one who falls. we all fail sometimes. we all let someone down. sometimes there's nothing left but to promise to ourselves that next time we won't be the one to fail ...
i want to tell you you can go on, that beginnings come from ends. i still believe in you and so does God
He's the one who still believes in those who fail... He's the one who still believes in us who fall
I want to be real.... I want to find out who I am.... | | |
| You know how they say ignorance is bliss? That's a lie... A final goodbye is bliss. Happiness is bliss. No boys for over a month is bliss. Regaining dignity and innocence is bliss. Forgiveness is bliss. Finally knowing the truth is bliss. Finally admitting the truth is bliss. Beauty inside out is bliss. Purely innocent friendship is bliss. Silliness is bliss. Smiling and meaning it is bliss. Staring is bliss. Beautiful eyes are bliss. Studying and learning is bliss. Success is bliss. The truth is bliss. Loving is bliss. To love or be loved? "my answer is to love" Realizing that what I thought was such a loss... was actually such a gain... I gave so much. maybe too much. and i couldn't even get a phone call. not even a goodbye. The realization that I'm happier without it. That all I need is my friends, my family, and my God.... Pure Bliss. Knowing is bliss. Not ignorance. I love being happy. [::i must go on standing::] | | |
| i came home from barnes and noble to catch the last half hour of the movie "pride and prejudice" sort of makes me sick. but i suppose we all are, at some point, our own elizabeth. and we have all have the ms bennets (sp?) in our life. and we all have the dang mr darcy's.... and i suppose some day down the road (way down the road, it seems) we will nonchalantly go on a walk at sunrise and see the love of our life walking towards us through the mist in the middle of a random field, and he'll profess his undying love and explain that everything he's done was all for you and that he's loved you all along. or probably not. o well. | | |
| The new Evanescence CD is fantastic...
"Lacrymosa"
Out on your own,
Cold and alone again.
Can this be what you really wanted, baby?
Blame it on me,
Set your guilt free.
Nothing can hold you back now.
Now that you're gone,
I feel like myself again.
Grieving the things I can't repair and willing...
To let you blame it on me,
And set your guilt free.
I don't want to hold you back now love.
I can't change who I am.
Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me.
And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.
My love wasn't enough.
And you can blame it on me,
Just set your guilt free, honey.
I don't want to hold you back now love. ........ You know when you watch someone you love make bad decision after bad decision and they never get it that they should stop making the bad decisions. Sometimes they know they're making them, and they're too proud and arrogant to admit they're wrong and stop... and sometimes they just don't realize that they're hurting themselves... But you hear about these bad decisions they're making and you get that sinking, disappointed in your stomach? Yeah, that feeling... Someone I once knew titled that feeling "The Sigh". I've been sighing an awful lot lately. I know I've made mistakes, but I'm working on correcting them and not repeating them. It takes a lot of energy and emotion and humility to put the brakes on when you're going a million miles an hour in the wrong direction. I'm sorry but I can't fake it anymore. I just want to be me. "I shouldn't have let you conquer me completely" "Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out
And you'll never hurt me again."
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